Having clear rules and consequences for breaking them are an important part of a solid parenting strategy. Young people need to have rules and limits, and they do better when they know exactly what to expect.

But have you ever found yourself frustrated with having to constantly nag to get your child to comply with basic routines? Sometimes we fall into a pattern of focusing exclusively on the behaviors that irritate us, and the more we nag the more frustrated we get, and nothing seems to change. It can be even more irritating when the behavior in question is one of those that has us thinking or responding, “You know better than this. I shouldn’t have to remind you.” We take it for granted that certain rules and expectations are understood and that certain behaviors are unacceptable. We are annoyed when we have to state the obvious.

Can you remember a time when you were on the receiving end of such a rant? How did it make you feel? Did it effectively motivate you to want to change your behavior?

People of all ages learn best when others tell them what they're doing right! 

In the words of area psychologist Randy Cale, "THEIR ENERGY FLOWS WHERE YOUR ATTENTION CONSISTENTLY GOES!"  In other words, make sure that the bulk of your energy and attention flows to the behaviors that you want and value. If you are concerned about a behavior or pattern of behavior, try these suggestions:

• Clearly describe the behavior of concern. (e.g., not making bed)
   

• Restate the behavior in clear terms of what you would like to see instead, and what consequence will follow if it doesn’t happen (e.g., “I expect your bed to be made before you leave the house for school/camp in the morning.  If it is not made you will not be able to go out after school/camp until it is made and you have completed one other chore I will assign you at the time.”)
   

• Let your child know your concern.  Be clear with them about what you would like to see and what the consequences will be if they don’t comply.  Let them know there will be no nagging or arguing. If it’s done, great. If not, consequence.
   

• To the best of your ability, ignore the undesirable behavior when it occurs. (This is easier said than done. See today’s Website of the Day for suggestions and advice.) Let the consequence happen, if applicable, and actively watch for and acknowledge the desirable behavior when it occurs.

Give compliments often, especially for those behaviors you are trying to promote. Here are some Do’s and Don’ts for giving compliments:

• Do be specific. State exactly what the behavior was that you liked or appreciated. (“You did a great job clearing the table.”)
   

• DON’T use the compliment as the start for a lecture. (“Thanks for emptying the dishwasher. If you only did it more of the time.”)  OUCH!